Harry Potter and the Clever Weed Related Pun
by Drownerway
Summary: Harry and the rest of Hogwarts gets stoned. World peace ensues.


I decided to write a story in an hour, and this was the first idea that came to my head. It will waste 2-4 minutes of your life. Deal with it

Harry was bored. It was double potions and he couldn't be bothered working properly. Absentmindedly, he chopped up little green vines, while listening to the inane banter coming from the nearby Slytherin table.

"He was Spanish I think," said one Slytherin.

"Are you sure?" replied another.

"Well, he wasn't English that's for sure. He was speaking one of those hippy languages and they're all pretty much the same, I mean we can't understand any of them right?"

"True that."

Harry was finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open. The fumes of the potion he was brewing wafted across his face. It smelled peculiar, and somehow it was making him even drowsier. Finally, he stopped resisting and went off into a deep slumber.

"Harry, my boy, are you alright?" said a voice that seemed very distant.

Harry opened his bleary eyes and saw Professor Slughorn gazing at him intently.

"Oh yeah...I'm fine..." mumbled Harry.

"You must have been asleep for twenty minutes, did you not get enough rest last night?" inquired Slughorn.

"No no...it's just..." Harry's voice trailed off, unable to forge together a complete sentence.

"How's that potion coming along?" asked Slughorn.

"Oh yeah that," said Harry rubbing his eyes. "It's...it's awesome..."

"It doesn't look right," said Slughorn peering at its calm green surface.

"No man...just smell it man, it's awesome."

Slowly, Slughorn bent down and sniffed the cauldron.

"This is something," he said. "It's not what I wanted but...it's..."

"It's the shit man," said Harry.

"Yeah this is this shit," said Slughorn, now completely under the effects of the potion. Slowly, he sat at his chair, staring into space.

"This is like that stuff Dudley used to sell kindergarteners," said Harry to himself.

"What is that potion?" asked Ron, who had just decided to pay attention.

"I dunno man, you gotta check it out though."

Ron took a whiff of the potion.

"Wow man, this is awesome..." said Ron. "I don't care about my nonexistent worries anymore."

"Yeah...it's awesome," replied Harry.

"Everybody's gotta try this shit."

"Totally."

The next class was charms. Throughout, Harry and Ron just sat talking with each other and giggling.

"Potter, Weasley, pay attention!" called Professor Flitwick.

"Hey man, you notice how short that guy is," said Harry to Ron.

"Yeah man, people aren't that short, he's not even like a person man," replied Ron.

"Can you hear me?" called Flitwick again.

"What kind of name is Flitwick anyways," giggled Harry. "That's like flitswitch or something."

"Your names Potter,' said Ron giddily. "Geddit, Pot, ter, haha."

"Oh yeah," laughed Harry, "I don't even know how we know these slangs man."

"I don't know either man."

"What's the matter with you two?" said Flitwick.

"Oh well, in potions I added something, to the potion, and it became all different and awesome and wow I still can't get over how short you are," replied Harry.

"We brought some of it if you'd like to see it," said Ron, waving a small bottle.

Flitwick walked over and snatched the bottle. He uncapped the lid, and smoke wafted up to his face. He stood silent for a few seconds.

"This is awesome," he said at last.

"Yeah man it's awesome," said Harry.

"Everybody's gotta try this,"

"Totally"

2 weeks later...

Everyone was lazing around the in the Gryffindor common room which had been onset by a perpetual smoky haze. There were no more classes, as the teachers had decided too that education was all about dark sarcasm in classrooms and stuff.

"You know what I think The Wall is about," said Hermione, while munching on some potato chips. "I think it's about man's inner struggle in establishing an identity for himself."

"No no no," said Harry."It's about society, and how we deal with it as an individual"

"I really feel like having white castle right now," said Ron.

"What's white castle?" asked Hermione.

"I don't know but I feel like it."

Just then a younger student ran upto them.

"Have you heard, Death Eaters have broken into the school!" he cried, coughing due to all the smoke.

"That's not cool dude," said Ron.

"It'll sort itself out," said Harry. "Everything happens for a reason you know, the universe keeps on turning, or something."

After an hour so, the students mustered up enough energy to see what was going on.

"Dumbledore's dead!" announced Hagrid.

"Wow," said Harry looking slightly forlorn. "Bummer."

At Dumbledore's funeral, the choir was playing gentle reggae music. Harry was going to make a speech.

"Dumbledore was a great dude," said Harry as he stepped up to the podium. "He's like, no I mean he was like the awesomest dude I ever knew. You know like on a scale of how cool a dude he was with the actual Dude at the top, he was like just below it you know man. He used to like...making speeches and stuff and you'd think he was gonna say something serious and all but he'd be like super cool." Harry paused for effect "He was a great man. He was like...new really good magic and shit, he was like the best you know, and like, he taught me, and others," he said pointing randomly to the crowd. "That you gotta, you know, be what you can be you know, he taught us that, you all gotta work hard, and have fun you know, that's it's not just about...about...well it's not about what...it's about what, what you...and not someone else mind you...but you...thinks about what you think in uh your head you know... he's like 'dude, you gotta not be like...like...you know you, you uh, gotta think, you know, with your head and shit, not like...you know the other thing'...and like... you guys wanna watch the Big Lebowski or something?"

He was met with a cheer of approval from the crowd.

After watching the movie, Harry and the others were chilling in the Gryfindor common room, discussing random things.

"You know what, I think I'm going to sue the game Peggle," said Hermione. "It contains damaging stereotypes of both ancient Egyptians and cats."

"Don't you think we need to do something about Voldemort," blurted out Harry all of a sudden.

"You said his name man," said Ron woozily. "Why do you keep doing that man, it makes even less sense than our inexplicable California accents."

"No man I'm serious, let's get Dumbledore's army going and fight the man, I mean Voldemort."

"Yeah, let's totally do that"

Unfortunately they never got around to doing it properly. They managed to gather all the members into the room of requirement, but wasted all their time listening to Phish. Just as they were about to leave, there was a clap of lightning and all the lights went out. When they came back, Voldemort and the Death Eaters were in the room.

"Hey'd how'd they get here, this is a private residence man," said Neville.

"Wow we're so high right now," said some random student.

"Silence!" said Voldemort and killed the student.

"H-Hey Goldemort," said Harry. "That wasn't nice...he had like feelings too man, whoever he was."

Voldemort grinned evily.

"Y-y-youknow, just because...you're so powerful and your names like...Bolde...Voldemarghaisfasf... doesn't...mean that you can like pull shit like that...you shouldn't do that man, that's not cool."

"What'd he say?" said Voldemort to a Death Eater near him.

"You gotta learn to not be so mean to people," said Harry.

"I'll consider it," said Voldemort. "Now prepare to..."

Suddenly he paused. The room was full of smoke and now it was getting to him.

"What...what is this?" he asked.

"That's the power of love man," said Ron.

"You know...I don't feel like killing people anymore," said Voldemort. "We all need to get along, and be good people."

Everyone cheered. Voldemort then was no longer evil, the war was over and peace reigned over the world.

"Harry Potter, wake up this instant."

Harry open his eyes, only to see Professor Snape staring down at him.

"You're not Slughorn," mumbled Harry.

"Harry Potter, for sleeping in class, failing to do the assignment in the allotted time and concocting illicit substances in class, you are hereby failed from this class, expelled from Hogwarts, and are blacklisted for life."

There was a long silence.

"What?" said Harry at last.

"You can never get a job, ever," replied Snape smugly.

"That's...awesome..."

DON'T DO DRUGS


End file.
